if only

it will be a new year soon. a new page in life and i welcome it. may i become the man i want and my loved one find happiness, with or without me in their lives.

Day 10

did i do the right thing?

we were born alone, we live alone and we die alone.

only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion that we are not.

to be sure that you know what im saying, i'll translate as i go along.

blah blah blah...

its rather cold.

Day 9

i wonder if she understands why i did the things i did.

even the occupation i took thinking she would be with me.

i never wanted to travel the world alone.

i believed we would be together supporting each other and in a few years, start a family.

lives and dreams sure are fickle.

i wonder if she has changed so much, or just forgotten what she really wanted. or perhaps i never knew what that was in the first place.

no matter how much money you got, no matter how many friends you got.

gave everything.i just want...

meditate

how very pathetic.

why why why why why why why

just a lost little boy crying because he dropped his icecream. forever.

sing a happy song, sing a sad song. seal a part of my soul in a box and put it away. i made mistakes and i made the effort, i fought for naught if it ain't meant to be.

Day 7

words fail me. the pain the sorrow the disappointment. shattered dreams and forgotten promises. i wonder why i miss it so, i wonder why it means so much to me. as its obvious it didnt matter to her.

live and learn, growing up is rather painful.

/slap self

stop moping you coward

it drives me crazy.

blah blah blah more moaning and crying and sob stories... meng stfu.

she says she's thought about it. but i dont know why she would give up on all we had, all we will have. we've been on this road for a long time, it just needed a little more.

Day 6

its not painful. just a slow emptiness that is devouring me inside. i cant think, cant eat, cant sleep. if only there was a switch i could use to turn off my emotions.

tick tock tick tock

its unbearable sometimes.

all the things we said, all the things we promised... running through my head, bringing tears to my face.

riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip.

drip drip.

drip.

thud.

please dont be bipolar...these mood swings cant be healthy!

whatever will be, will be. the future is not ours to see.

goooo awaaaay abandonment issues... i dont need you right now, or ever.

Day 5

I could hear it breaking.

The sound of sky cracking the earth splitting.

The sound of cloth tearing.

The sound of a bridge under stress finally giving in, crying as it sinks into the river below until all that are left are littered bodies.

It's the sound of gushing blood as your body fall to the ground with a thud, you feel death's embrace and welcome it.

The sound of crying your heart out but no more tears will come.

all by myself

Require a pill of selective forgetness

Anger hatred depression sadness ... self pity? Go to hell

If i had words to make a day for you, i'd sing you a morning golden and new. i would make this day last for all times, give you a night deep in moon shine.

Searching for the missing piece.

Disbelief

day 4

Pieces

Cant cry very well, must be out of practice.

feeling slightly better, guess i'll check out what life has to offer tonight

One of the most agonizing xmas nights i've had. i had fun in the day, out with friends and enjoying life. but now it's night, and i am alone. the pain and emptiness haunts me. while i refuse to cry i dont know how long i can hold on.
i lay here in darkness with a void in my chest, waiting impatiently for morning to come. please dont take too long

Dubai is really something... built in the middle of a desert and simply beautiful.

day 3

do i miss my loved ones or the ones that loved me? i wonder. merry xmas to all, one day i will forget

Day 2

Every man has a place, in his heart there’s a space

All your dreams will come true, right away

And we will live together, until the twelfth of never

Day 1

One step at a time, let your sorrows go.

"I saw death in the mirror. He smiled and said there's no hurry, he told me to take my time." Quote from somewhere that I don't remember anymore.

when the night has come
and the land is dark
and the moon, is the only light we'll see

no i wont, be afraid
oh i wont, be afraid
just as long, as you stand
stand by me

so darling darling stand, by me
oh stand, by me
oh stand, stand by me, stand by me

if the sky that we look upon
should tumble and fall
or the mountain, should crumble to the sea

i wont cry, i wont cry
no i wont shed a tear
just as long, as you stand
stand by me

but you wont.

(great song tho)

< X 3

to live is to suffer.

to suffer is to struggle.

to struggle is living.

Mmmm...

Woke up, feeling depressed.

There was a dream but I can't quite remember. There was the ones I love and the ones I don't, somehow I was so far away from them all.

Haven't felt this lonely in years, it's like the one that broke your heart for the first time.... you dread the reunion, yet it feels oh so familiar.

I tried, I worked for it and I made sacrifices. But the void in my chest seems to be still there.

I thought I could mend it with love and passion, it did but it did not die. Now it reaches from its grave and cuts into my mind once again.

I thought I could ease it with fun and games, it did but it would not leave. And now the time for fun and games are over, it's here again.

I believed that I found the one thing to cure it but the harder I grasp it, the more insignificant I became. Worthless, incompetent and failure are not words I would describe my proud self, but they shadow me from not too far a distance and sneer, bidding their time. They won't get their chance, I would sooner set my world on fire.

Everything has their reason and what needs to be done is clear, I just wish I could fill this... emptiness. Perhaps my emotions are overreacting, they seem to be very good at that. I hope so.

It's like I'm the six year old boy again, understanding concepts that are too grand for his tiny world. He doesn't cry and doesn't want to be weak, but he bleeds a little inside.

Maybe the blood will eventually clog up the void.